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The fairytale wedding of Australian real-estate agent Mary Donaldson and Danish Prince Frederik Glücksborg captured the hearts of millions earlier this month.
But villainy clouded an otherwise picture-perfect royal wedding in the magical make-believe kingdom of Denmark. Crowds of adorable Danes—decked out in feathered caps and shoes with buckles—looked on horrified as the nefarious King Leopold, tyrant of faraway Belgium, charged into the cathedral atop his fearsome steed, swept Mary up in his arms, and bore her directly to his nightmarish Fortress Strasbourg.
It is there that, if reports are to be believed, Leopold planned to make the fair Mary his wife. But the princess, knowing that to refuse could mean death or worse, remained true to her beloved Prince Charming and spurned the hapless King’s advances.
As lightning bolts lit the flagstones beneath his feet, Leopold cried out in a blind rage, swearing a mighty oath that if he should not have the princess, “then none shall!”
“Guards!” he continued.
Leopold commanded his guards to seize Mary and consign her to the scullery in chains, where she is slated to work for the rest of her days, unseen by the outside world. Royal watchers predict that, in her prison, Mary??s singing will draw the attention of a family of talking squirrels, whom she will befriend.
Leopold governs Belgium in coalition with the Christian Democrats. His controversial six-month stint in the European Union’s rotating Presidency, which concluded in June of last year, was marred by allegations of sorcery.
At the time of going to press, a vast, aching melancholy had descended upon adorable, fictive Denmark. The Prince, dumbstruck with grief, is to enter talks aimed at resolving the impasse with a humble yet plucky stable boy in a chance encounter later this week.
